Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Fraudulent Case of Alex Wrigley

In a Baldrick-esque moment, I had a cunning plan today. After so many job applications and a pathetic percentage of responses back, my imagination begins to wander as I try and find new and creative ways to get someone to give me a job. Or, as this case may be, trick them into giving me a job.

The position in question is a snooker bar that's meant to be reopening in a nearby town. I've never seen it or heard of it, though I frequent the town as it is the home of my dear bulimia inducing friend. I saw the advert on the day it came out (I check job listings a couple of times a day) and sent off my CV with haste. I was stunned when I logged into my email the next day to find a response. An actual response! I was faced with two questions: A) Was I going to leave my present internship as a blog coordinator and if so, how much notice would be required? And B) How did I plan on getting home after a late shift which would finish at around 12.15?

I replied with as much gusto as one could possibly muster in an email, and explained that the internship was done entirely from home, and only required a day of my time therefore no schedule clashes and no notice periods. I went on to inform the all powerful Job Determinator that I was fully flexible, but would prefer to finish shifts in time for my last bus home, which comes at 11.40, though would be able to work til close on occasion if it were required. I figured I could always stay at Cassie's, who I imagine wouldn't be too far away as she lives near the high street, or go to Joel's, where there is a 24 hour bus service to his place from Kingston. 

I have waited and waited. And after getting me all fired up, I am yet to receive a response back. And this was a week ago. I'm becoming quite pushy in the job hunting stakes, so I emailed him again mid week, reiterating my answers and forthrightly requesting that the Job Determinator (JD, for ease of typing) let me know if he is interested as soon as possible so I can continue with my job search. Still no reply.

And this is where the cunning plan occurred to me. If only I knew if the JD had seen the emails, I could work out if he was ignoring me for whatever fucking reason, or if he simply hasn't got round to picking people. I then had the idea to send JD another application. A made up application in fact, from an email address especially created for the purpose. Once I thought of it, it didn't seem that bad an idea. 

I created a CV for a male called Alex Wrigley (which is a pseudonym for my actual made up application to avoid my meticulous plan being scuppered). I gave Alex the same amount of qualifications and bar experience as me, and I gave him my dad's address, which is in my town but not close enough to be coincidental. I kept it simple. This JD doesn't strike me as too scrutinizing (I couldn't say specifically what I'm basing that judgment on). Since sending the application, I've checked 'Alex's' gmail account about three times. There is no word yet, which possibly means the JD isn't ignoring me. It is the weekend, however. 

When I told Joel about the plan, he asked didactically, "And what is the point of all this?" Well at first it was just something to occupy my job seeking mind, but then I realised that if JD replies to Alex, I'll know I am for some reason being ignored. This may not seem that important, and really, I guess it isn't, but it's just so painfully tedious applying to these menial, minimum wage jobs, having the skills to do them and highlighting that, only to never, ever get a response. I hate to think how much of my life has been wasted on unanswered job applications. A second point to this experiment is that if JD replies to Alex, and invites him to an interview, training session or whatever, providing all contact is made through email, I will have the time and date of when this is taking place and so can show up myself. Now that does sound a little crazy, but I can't be worrying about money for much longer. I don't have any. I'm not even signed on. To me it seems that applying for a job is more like entering a competition at the moment. There's a slim chance that your name might just be pulled out the hat. The other day I randomly entered a competition for a trip to New York. It was some Sex and the City 2 promotion thing. It seemed quick and easy, so I just entered. I actually feel like I have more chance of winning that competition than what I do of getting a job in the next three months. Let's go wild: make it six!

So I leave you with the words of the wonderful Morrissey: I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving, England is mine, it owes me a living...

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